(Gail Meyers) If you have children who have been exposed to your narcissistic personality disordered mother, protect them from further exposure. That is what I would say to a dear friend dealing with a narcissistic personality disordered or malignant narcissistic mother. I do not make the suggestion lightly, but as a mother and grandmother myself, years after my narcissistic personality disordered mother’s death.
Things are much clearer in hindsight and I see ripples still going strong through the generations. A narcissist will delight in turning your own children against you in such a deceitful, sneaky way that you may not realize it is happening. A narcissistic personality disordered mother can and often does sever family relationships for generations.
Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer
Before realizing my mother had this disorder, I realized she instigated fights between her children, even when we were adults. I recall thinking I had never seen another mother who did not teach the children to love and respect each other, but actually provoked discord, disrespect and even flat out abuse.
She does this for the purpose of control. She wants to divide and conquer. There will not be so much as one thought of the pain to the current and future generations. The narcissist wants to be the hub in the middle, as well as keeping the “knowing” children alienated from the flying monkey narcissistic supply children at all costs.
For example, pitting the golden child against the scapegoat, who in turn raise their own children divided from their sibling and their sibling’s children (nieces and nephews). This is still going strong generations later, including the narcissist’s children, grandchildren, and starting in the generation of the great-grandchildren.
In the same way, a narcissistic mother teaches the siblings as children that it is okay to disrespect, blame and abuse the scapegoat child, she will teach your children the same thing. It may be very subtle, but the results are devastating. The child quickly sees how you are being treated, but is unlikely to understand the dynamics that started it.
Narcissistic Grandmothers Teach Their Manipulative Ways
Additionally, the narcissistic grandmother has many unhealthy, toxic ways of being. A child can quickly learn these manipulative, deceitful behaviors and how well they seem to be working for Grandma. So while you are worrying about someone telling you it is “harsh” to go no contact, Toxic Grandmother is focused on planting the seeds of destruction that can flourish and blossom to inflict hell on the second half of your life as your children are trained by this treacherous woman.
A narcissistic personality disordered grandmother is not a safe or healthy person to expose your children to. The pretend world of the narcissist and the flying monkeys do not change that fact. Even if, or perhaps especially if, the whole world believes she is a sweet, little old lady, she is still not a safe person for your children to be around. In my experience, the purer and sweeter the image a narcissist tries to project, the more evil they actually are.
You may think your mother would never harm her own grandchildren emotionally or physically. Well, she abused her own children so what would cause anyone to believe grandchildren are any different. Children are vulnerable, easily manipulated, and indoctrinated narcissistic supply in the hands of a narcissist. Don’t think for a minute the narcissistic grandmother won’t stoop that low. Moreover, if you were the scapegoat, it is highly unlikely your children or grandchildren are going to be treated fairly in the narcissist’s unhealthy rabbit hole.
Your children are a very important reason to exit the narcissistic mother’s abusive pretend world. Protect your children from a narcissistic personality disordered grandmother just like you would any other kind of predator, because that is exactly what she is.
If someone tells you that is “harsh,” consider this. You cave in and allow your mother access to your children. In true narcissist fashion, she manipulates them with martyr tales. You know the kind where she plays the victim and vilifies the true victim, you.
Now the nightmare continues, and just when you thought it could not get any worse than you having a mother like this. Oh, but it can and it will if you do not prevent it! Now, you are fighting with your children who are picking up all the nasty little bag of dirty tricks and defending poor Grandma against you, the big bad monster. Yes, and the nightmare continues into the second half of your life now as your little darling becomes your mother’s flying monkey.
Now that is harsh, but by the time you realize the damage, the person who was telling you how harsh it is to go no contact with mom is long gone – probably enjoying their children! It is you who is left now on the receiving end of the same behavior from your children who were indoctrinated by Grandma so someone who has no idea what they are talking about would not think you were harsh.
Gail is a mother, grandmother, JD, and advocate. She writes on narcissistic personality disorder based on firsthand experience as the daughter of a narcissistic personality disordered mother, reading, therapy and years of recovery. Her passion is to provide validation and accurate, useful information to other sons and daughters of narcissistic personality disordered mothers.